quasi in rem

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

A Jury of Her Peers?

The Martha Stewart Jury has been seated and quasi in rem has uncovered court documents that reveal the makeup and background of the eight women and four men who comprise the twelve unbiased and purportedly randomly chosen individuals who qualify as peers to Martha Stewart for their ability to expand their trades in multifaceted infotainment conglomerations, and knowing the difference between a $6,000 and $12,000 Hermes Birken.:

Juror #1- White Female: Age - 60; Occupation-Government Employee; Marital Status-Occassionally on weekends, never on weekdays; Residence-Chappaqua and Washington D.C.; Net Worth- Over $8 million less legal debts of dead weight husband; Prior investment experience - Turned $1000 into $100,000 in the cattle futures market.

Juror #2 - Asian Male Age - 53; Occupation-Former Baseball Player now Chef/Restauranteur/Bobby Flay ass-Kicker; Marital Status-1 wife, 3 geisha; Residence-New York/Tokyo/Philadelphia/Kitchen Stadium Net worth-Over 10 million; Prior investment experience- Fleeced Iron Chef Italian out of millions of yen in buckwheat noodle relabelling scam.

Juror #3 - African American Female: Age - 50; Occupation-Television host/Magazine Mogul/Secret Leader of women's movement set to take over planet in 2006; Marital Status-Single but Stedmanized; Residence-Chicago, the Vineyard, the Hamptons, Aspen; Net worth- Over 1 Billion; Prior investment experience- Caused world wide slump in beef market by directing her minions/viewers to lay off the meat.

Juror #4 - White Portugese Female: Age - 65; Occupation-Philanthropist/Party Switcher/First Lady Wannabe; Marital Status-Married/Widowed/Remarried; Residence-Washington D.C, the Cape, the Hamptons, Pittsburgh; Net worth-500 million; Prior investment experience- Converted translation degree from small Geneva preparatory college into 500 million dollar ketchup fortune.

Juror # 5- White Jewish Female:Age - 44; Occupation-Socialite/Heiress/Future Prison Love Slave; Marital Status-Married to Juror #6, also testified against Juror #6; Residence-Houston, Leavenworth; Net worth-Once approximately $24 million, now not so much.; Prior investment experience- Turned 24 million in illegal Enron profits garnered by Juror #6 into Charitable foundation supporting her children. (Juror will not be available from July 2004 through December 2004)

Juror #6 - White Male: Age - 45; Occupation-Energy Company Executive, Prison Bitch-to Be; Marital Status-Married but prepared for extramarital experimentation in the next 10 years; Residencehouston, Leavenworth; Net worth-Used to be 24 million, now, has his own toothbrush, bar of soap, and tube of lube; Prior investment experience- Turned fake energy contracts worth nothing into multibillion dollar company and then all the way back to nothing again.

Juror #7- White Female: Age -46; Occupation-Former Television talk show host/Former magazine Icon/Former Broadway Producer/ Former Heterosexual; Marital Status-(refused to answer on the basis of the inherit bigotry of the question); Residence-Long Island, Manhattan, Aspen, Miami; Net Worth- Over $30 million, but fading fast; Prior investment experience - Turned successful London play into box office failure by investing $10 million of her own money.

Juror #8- Latina Female Age -30; Occupation-Dancer/Perfumist/Actress/ Magazine Publisher. /Singer/ Single Life Afficionado; Marital Status-Single/Married/Divorced/ Married/Divorced/ Engaged/ Arrested/ Engaged Again/ Giglied/Single; Residence-The Block,New York, Hamptons, Malibu, Ben Affleck's famous tear filled race car sheets.; Net Worth- Over $160 million less posssiblealimony payments to Ben Affleck.
Prior investment experience - Insured rear end for 10 million.

Juror #9- White Male : Age -75; Occupation-real estate Mogul/Baseball Mogul/Shipping Titan/ Fat Guy/ Manager-Firer/red Sox embarasser; Marital Status-Less maried than Joe Torre/more married than Derek Jeter; Residence-House the Ruth Built; Net Worth- Over $980 million; Prior investment experience - Lose millions and millions in revenue every year eventhough owning the most popular sports team in the country, with a long history of sell-outs and packed houses.

Juror #10- African American Male Age -33; Occupation-Marathon Runner/Music Prometer/Television Show Producer/Self Promoter/ Hip Hop Artist/ Self Congratulator/ Movie Star/ Party Planner/ Self Lauder; Marital Status-Broken hearted, but waiting for juror #8; Residence-The Hamptons, Manhattan, Miami, MalibuNet Worth- Over $18o million less legal fees of anticipated gun play; Prior investment experience - Took $60 million from Sony eventhough completely bereft of talent of an original thought. Living of legacy of overweight friend who died more than a decade ago.

Juror #11- White Female: Age -69; Occupation-Currently unemployed/Former Real Estate Mogul/New York Slum Lord and Queen of Mean; Marital Status-Not since she got out of the joint.; Residence-Title VIII housing in East Paramis; possible return to Riker's Island "Summer Home" if things don't pick up soon. Net Worth-Current checking account balance: $73.00, plus six cartons of emergency cigarettes Prior investment experience - Controlled large apartment properties at virtually no maintenance cost for several years.

Juror #12 - White Female Age - 57; Occupation-Former Television host/Former Singer/Former happily Married Idol to Millions of housewives/Current Stalker of Kelly Ripa Marital Status-Married but still pissed; Residence-Chapaqua, the Vineyard, the Hamptons, Professional Football Hall of Fame Net worth-Close to 20 million, less millions leveraged for future psychiatric care of Cody and Cassidy; Prior investment experience-Used poor Honduran children to pump out thousands of pieces of subpar suburbanite K-mart casuals.

"I am confident, that with this jury we can get a fair trial" Stewart's lawyer stated. "These egotistical, no talent, leeching. illegal investing spas are really Ms. Stewart's people."


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