quasi in rem

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

John Kerry promises to be "Dr. Phil" to Bill Clinton's "Oprah"

Presidential candidate and Senator John Kerry has retracted a recent statement he made promising to be the second black president in the wake of crticism from civil rights leaders. Campaign spokesperson Jennifer Lahane issued a release late yesterday stating that the candidate no longer felt capable of achieving the status of "black" and instead was only seeking to be a figure that the black community could look up to.

Kerry clarified his position later in the day. "If Bill Clinton was your Oprah, let me be your Dr. Phil!" Kerry told a group of mostly African-American parishoners in Memphis, Tenn. Baptist church. Kerry was referring to Dr. Phil McGraw, a one time frequent guest of the Oprah show, who now has his own syndicated talk show. On his show, Dr. Phil attempts to solve relationship problems with his overbearing ego and simplistic common sense disguised as nuanced and nonsensical phrases.

The change of strategy from the campaign was based on several factors other than the criticism from civil rights leaders stated campaign insiders. For example, Donna Brazile, a former Gore campaign director stated that in order for Kerry to achieve the status of black he would have to "learn to dance and sway like Clinton." Unfortunately, according to the campaign, Kerry does not do the electric slide.

"We felt that Dr. Phil was a more achievable goal. Like the good doctor says, baby steps." Lehane stated. "Just today Senator Kerry told me that life is what happens while you are busy contemplating negative reciprocal tax incentives for depreciating manufacturing overhead. If that's not Dr. Phil, then I don't know what is!"

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