quasi in rem

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Kerry Proposes Delaying Election Day for Himself Only Until December 5th

Senator Kerry floated another campaign fundraising idea to his staff during today's strategy meeting at campaign headquarters in Washington D.C.. Kerry proposed requesting all democratic state parties to reschedule to Democratic election for President a full month after the Republican election for president, complete with an entirely new ballot consisting of his name only.

Under his plan, the Republicans would all still have to vote on Novemeber 3rd, but then the local party chapters would schedule a second vote, for Democrats or anyone else who wanted to vote for Kerry on December 5th. "The beauty part of the plan is that federal spending limits end on November 3rd, so that for the next month we could keep spending away at no risk of campaign finance laws." said Campaign spokesperson Sheila Whitely-White. "We will run that Moore movie on T.V. 24 hours a day on every channel! It will be awesome!"

The Republican campaign has not issued a comment on this new plan, but an extremely senior campaign director, who chose to speak off the record so that he could be honest, and is in no way shape or form a figment of this reporters imagination, stated "This tactic scares the bejesus out of us! We are surely gonna lose now! Help Help! My hair is on fire! Is it too late to change parties!"

Kerry pre-empted any Republican response, and assumed they were against it, stated, "the Republicans are complaining about this move because it just neutralizes their natural fundraising and electoral advantage. Also it is likely unconstitutional. Waah waaah wahh. Crybabies."

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