quasi in rem

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Madonna Officially No Longer 'Like A Virgin'

Madonna has officially been deemed no longer qualified as even "like a virgin" and has therefore been forced to remove the song's performance from her upcoming tour. The decision to remove the song came a rough blow to the already controversy ridden tour. Before the first performance the "re-Invention Tour" has gone through four different nannies, three seperate nurse maids, a whole troupe of pay to play 'friends' for little Lourdes, and six seperate Kabballah svengali's.

This latest setback, however, did not come as a complete surprise to the twice married 63 year old mother of two. "Too be honest, I thought they would have revoked her status after she slept with Dennis Rodman." Madonna publicist J. D. "Dawg" Sheiblatt stated. " There are some things that just never return to normal after a date with Dennis. Not to mention the close to a jillion other guys she slept with."

Music officials had previously considered removing her from the "like a virgin" qualified list after she had her first and second child, but were reminded that it was possible for a Madonna to have a child and still qualify as virginal.

Insiders say that it was eventually her haughty faux matronly attitude she has exhibited recently during her clidren's book tour that foreclosed the possibility of any virginal classification. "The children's book really put her out to pasture,"said one long time Madonna fan,"I mean what type of virgin writes a Kabbalah based children's book, and then reads it on Oprah with a fake English accent?"

"I am really going to miss her performing "Like a Virgin,"', said one ticket holder prior to Madonna's Los Angeles concert, " but hopefully she will replace it with a ten minute lecture on Kabballah, or an ill informed diatribe on global politics, or maybe just another extended masturbatury dance sequence."

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